Mrs. Wolf, With teeth so sharp.

TO: LEONARD WOOLF
Rodmell,
Sussex
Tuesday [18? March 1941]

Dearest,
I feel certain that I am going mad again: I feel we cant go through mother of those terrible times. And I shant recover this time. I begin to hear voices, and cant concentrate. So I am doing what seems the best thing to do. You have given me the greatest possible happiness. You have been in every way all that anyone could be. I dont think two people could have been happier till this terrible disease came. I cant fight it any longer, I know that I am spoiling your life, that without me you could work. And you will I know. You see I cant even write this properly. I cant read. What I want to say is that I owe all the happiness of my life to you. You have been entirely patient with me and incredibly good. I want to say that-- everybody knows it. If anybody could have saved me it would have been you. Everything has gone from me but the certainty of your goodness. I cant go on spoiling your life any longer.

I dont think two people could have been happier than we have been.

V.

ive been riding my bike alot in the last few days. alot.

i chopped all of my hair off today.
lori used to say this: stuck in hair, stuck in life.
and then she shaved her hair? i think. i can't remember.


i have early onset dementia, im convinced. no need to webmd that. its just the facts.

good episodes of the cosby show on today. the smooth contest episode and this one looks pretty decent too.

stomach's been hurting me today. tomorrow, nicole and jeremy and i are going to look at art and things.
maybe i will go for a drive tonight.

maybe i will go to peoria on friday and return on monday. tuesday jeremy and nicole leave. signed the lease. i can start paying rent coming soon.
need a couch.

the best missed connection i have seen in a very long time.

Pitchfork -- Throwing up near the entrance - w4m - 21 (Union Park)

Reply to: pers-762175121@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-07-20, 3:43AM CDT


You were throwing up during !!! in the blue trashcan near the park entrance while holding a Sparks. Your jackass friend was just sitting there smoking Parliaments. I'm sure this happened more than once, so you were the one wearing leopard skin zubas.

I hope you didn't get any in your mustache.

<3

olivia made a feather girl project. its so cool. olivia is so cool.

http://web.mac.com/ssdhamee/iWeb/HSS/The%20Feather%20Girl%20Project.html

today is sunday. sunday. sun day.

i woke up fairly early today. i have not one thing really planned. our kitchen is clean and here i am soon to leave it. nicole and the jeremy leave one week from tuesday. I move into their home after that. and then andrew moves from new york mid month. i am truly going to miss those two.

what is it that makes me grow attached to people who i know for maybe not that long. but still, i guess i have know them for a bit. nonetheless, i know i will know them for futures to come....

yesterday in target, i was thinking about how jeremy is going to learn voodoo in new orleans and how when i visit them i will ask him about his progress and have him whip up potions for me and then i will use them. i had a lot of thinking in target yesterday.

today i had some breakfast, went to the bookshop and looked at new paperback releases, read some articles, started to read some short stories and then went for a 3 mile run. i can still run for three miles straight even though i havent since march. i feel tired now and my head sort of hurts a little bit.

i had this "aunt" when i was small. her yard was filled up with cement items like a donkey with a barrel of flowers and a progression of cement frogs with a sign warning "frogs x-ing" ...and just lots of stuff like that. it will be an memory challenge to remember what was in that yard...beginnnnn nowwww...

. a boy with a lamp
. ducks
. a small pond with a man with a fishing pole on a cement log
. frogs x-ing
. yankee doodle went to town on a pony. blah blah macaroni.
. small cement fences.
. rock garden
. plants

i spent my afternoons walking around the little sidewalks connecting all of the cement scenes together. for whatever reason, i remember a little white haired boy but in my head he looks like the cousin oliver character from the brady bunch. i think its just a memory from reruns of the show though. i don't think that was real. aunt mary and aunt ruth were not my real aunts, they were white lesbians ladies who were the friends of friends of friends. hippies. they had a mean white dog named snoopy but i really liked snoopy. i used to hang out between the wall and living room couch with snoopy. i took rests in the guest room and there was a tiny bathroom with a full length door mirror. the carpet was scratchy and like an office's carpet. the bedspread was bumpy and towel like. i used to lay on the bed and make face into the mirror and put my legs on the wall. upside down. there was a lot of talking to myself. i remember, most of my talking in childhood consisted of lengthy conversations with myself. hours and hours of that.

once we were preparing for a travel and before we were gone, aunt mary crocheted me a purse with a red apple on it. i still have it. i hang it on my wall in every home i move to now.

will i stop moving someday? i will stop moving someday.

i am collecting stones for my pockets. i am collecting stones for my apple purse. i will fill myself with stones and float away.

5th grade. mrs. herrings homeroom class.

i can't really remember what state it was in. she was mrs.herring though. i remember that much.

it was so embarrassing. it had to do with writing down phone numbers and t.j allen. and something else. she made me apologize for something that i can't really remember. all i know is...it was so embarrassing.

i was really pretty in my 4th grade picture. i was wearing that purple dress with the checkers on it. it was long. i was getting taller in 4th grade.

4th grade was really embarrassing too actually. one day, i started crying at school for no reason. i just got really sad. james tucker gave me some earrings at some point that year and i dropped them on the ground and ran out the door. it was really scary to me. we watched a video that year about lady's problems. The boys got to go out for an extra recess. our moms were supposed to come to the movie but i don't remember any mom's there. not mine at least. thank god.
that teacher was mrs. carter. It may have been the same state then too. i can't remember.

i've been feeling real embarrassed lately. sometimes thats just what i need to snap me out of doing seemingly "brave" things. embarrassment always puts me in my place. keeps me from becoming too big for my britches.

oh good lord. oh good lord. keep me grounded. keep me safe. help me to realize my limitations. help me to set up my walls, my boundaries, my solitude and safety. keep me safe. keep me safe.

i think i would much rather anticipate the blood and gore of things that could come to be within the confines of the walls in my skull than actually have to witness them play out in reality. it tends to be much messier that way, sure. but at least its not real.

i don't like real life so much.