Ihre Kuchen und essen sie auch

at the pharmacy, david bowie was playing on the store system.

I didnt even realize that my lips were moving. I can count on the handclaps.

a very long time ago..

my father and i, we listen to it from a record in my granny's basement. i pretend i am amelia earhart. a pilot, i read a book about her.
i really like her still.
and i still really like the song.

i got really embarrassed yesterday. and i haven't felt quite right since.

Human Headed Blengins of Calverine Island Catherine Isles. Males. Venomous. Only the Angels of Heaven can Combat These Creatures

it feels like summer camp in my room. 

i swear there are crickets chirping.

its makes my heart race.

sunday.

with jeane by my side, i plan to make stops to the following establishments, rain or shine:

. antiques shop.

. french bookshop.

. magazine shop.

. secondhand store.

. fruit stand.

. art supply store.

when i think of you...

and then it all felt much different

and not in a bad way, at all. 

it just feels different. 

oh man, wonder if you'll ever know

these are bits of letters i am writing you in my head. you, meaning a general all encompassing you, not as in you specifically.

i know things.

i feel taller than those million year old trees, i soar and breeze about. i am more than a wand that brings rabbits from felt toppers and saws through women in sequins. My heart is wider than that crater in middle of the desert.

this voice can be loud, but when its quiet, it will shake the ground and echo chiseling, carving the deepest caves. hollowing out. adhering into homemade lakes.

i will tell you the things in whispers that you might not want to hear. its not to hurt you or tear you down. i will always tell you the truth. i will stare your sockets down.



sometimes a tornado will funnel with the blink of two eyes.

through the graves the wind is blowing

there is this landing when you climb the second set of stairs out of the train station. no one usually takes the stairs, they like the moving stairs. i take the stairs always. sometimes, ok ..one time, i saw a couple locked at the lip.
today there was urine.

our mother the mountain

i feel very much on the verge. teetering. not sure how to land. but i am confident. i am brave. i brace myself knowing there are dozens and hundreds of hands outstretched to catch me if i chose in haste.

i am lucky. i count the stars even when i cannot see them.

i am in love today and not like that.

i am also dreadful today, sort of more like that.

........

when my brains can't focus on what my hands are doing and my eyes cant keep up with either, i take myself out. jeane and i spent the after moving in circles. i weeded through the basements bins and bought by the pound.

found an amazing silver skirt that makes me feel like david bowie. it keeps popping into my head, i was reminded by my father the other day, that when i was a little person I thought David Bowie was the most beautiful woman. to me she looked like Laurie Anderson in 1986. i particularly remember 1986.
when youre a little kid, there is no era or past presenting itself. there are little corrections to be made. old timey might as well be now timey.

........

i am lucky. i have an eleven , and three seven's comprising the numbers in the day i was born. a woman at the grocery store mentioned it to. i smiled and nodded. she nodded back.

.........

i found beautiful shoes made in 1968, still in the box. theyre beautiful and fit my feet perfectly. i am wearing them today.

blood and gore.

sat next to an older fella (senior citizen) on the train ride home. he was reading a german paperback. i read with him, i bet  it looked like i was staring at the floor.

my favorite spot on the train is where i can see through the front window and watch the walls go by, hit by the lights. there is a slight draft.

i like it. 

i am feeling funny in life today.

you were a very nice home.

it rained a bunch today. it reminded me of that falling apart back patio house at 12th and pine. walking to get our favorite breakfast at the end of the block and across the street. i sit down, you fill up the cups. they play the pogues too early and drink too fast. i arrange the bulletin board. it makes me feel useful. One PM, ill walk to Bauhaus for coffee. I like sitting outside. everyone i know will walk by at some point. i make some jokes. everyone laughs. zac and i talk about some stuff. its nice. i fall in love with 10 dogs that walk by. my favorite is named speck, he is a motorcylist, the dude of the dog world.

its not so much you that i miss as much as i miss the routine. and the phantom mountain.

it was my home.
you were a nice home.

awesome summer.

tigermilk.

heart caves

arthur lee

arthur russell

that beat happening box set

two headed boy

smokey robinson
mr. scott walker

tabula rasa

jackson 5

alice coltrane

light green leaves
marianne f.

every ethiopiques volume from the sp library
our man, leonard c. on the edge of a bed.

frankie lymon

the shangri las

dancing in wooden shoes in the kitchen. dancing on walls. we had a good time.

I had a job at the film fest, paid under the table. pretty much, i just ate blueberries for free and that man who was the fly tried to teach me how to make a martini. everyday. i never learned. no really, it was that dude from the fly.

i had like, 7 bikes. what the heck happened to all those bikes?

tiny little love.

jeane has a heart murmur. on a scale of 6, jeanes lumps and bumps in her thumps...it equals three.  my sweet tiny dogfaced monkey werewolf friend with a heartmurmur? pheh.

if it were me, ok. shallow heart beat. none at times, really. no really. 

ok thats not true. (zombies, ack!) they say i've got the coldest extremities known to man south of the colorful houses and the bering sea. I am part polar bear, semi glacial, and a nibble of spinach and carrots...sleeps like a sprout in a bunny's home. 

or the sear's tower.  

long distance running

i have a swollen eye lid, a scratch on my face, and a slightly sore stomach.

note: one way to gain ground is to lay flat. resist the lash out. its usually a futile affair.

stomachin chestout. getsetgo.

be brave. brace yourself.

my movie came in the mail today, making it a good day.

I am very excited to watch it again tonight.  

colin smith. colin smith. colin smith. run run run.

photographic evidence.

i am very lucky.

historically, sheep are very weak creatures.

This afternoon, i fell asleep on a gallery couch.

I woke myself up saying "fool" outloud. 

What a sight, Im sure. I don't think anyone heard me. People were in and out but it was quiet and I felt comfortable resting. I felt safe and sound and allowed to take a little nap. curled up in the crease like a bunny and slept for a good little bit. The sun was coming in the funny tiny clusters of windows, only sunlight light. I was counting the beams in the ceiling. It felt alright. 

more than falling into a sleep, the word "fool" exiting my mouth and parting from my lips felt the most comforting. almost exhilarating.  Ive been thinking it for sometime but the release was greater than what i had imagined it to be. fool, spoken in such a calm manner. slipping straight away. fool. there are certain types and this is not the one heather suggests.

fool, not in the good way, but in the way i mean when i shake my head in unmanageable disdain. 

fool, as in one who is without sense or thought, acting in carelessness and abandonment. 

I've held it in for weeks, but finally its out. a ghost whispered it into my ear and i spat it out.

fool. and fogginess lifts away, fool. It makes sense where this sense of uncomfort came to be. It was a feeling I should have gone with weeks ago when I first felt it. Always trust your guts, even if you want to believe the best. never trust a sheep in the clothing of a fox.

in the voice that i have when i've just woken up, slightly crackily and soft, i told my friend about it.

 we both agreed. phew. i sighed in relief. its nice to wake up in a sunny room with all of the clarity you can muster. i feel great again. 

jan family.

you've got everything now.

listening to songs through my bedroom wall. its nice actually. the filter. i can hear her singing along.  she is getting ready for a date. i can tell she is very happy just by the way the house feels. its lighter in here.

she sings like ian curtis sometimes.

I. feeling strange.

A. need to run off.
1. new york. red hook. 6th and barry.
2. Berlin. Mitte. Kastanee Alle, Oranienstrasse. prenzlauerberg.
3. seattle. island. vashon island. island. la push. the rainforest.
4. France. France. Paris. Ile de France. Butte aux Cailles.

B. need to find comfort, a sense of home.

1. california. medacino. arcata. san francisco. felt light.

2. chicago. ukrainian village. feels funny.
3. seattle. capitol hill. felt sad. felt anxious. too much memory.
4. new york. redhood. where jane is. felt free.

i have never finished an outline. i make them in my head, lengthy ones about my life. i could outline a million books in plot, character, motivations, intentions..but when it comes to life i move through , travel on. forward forward.

I have read 16 books so far this year. my goal is 55. a little more than one book a week. i am 

......

got lost last night on my ride home. 
went to a bar. a man asked me how i felt about nick cave and the birthday party was stuck in my head all day. but david bowie was on the system.

......

Someone is lighting firecrackers outside of my home. I could leave here. right now. i could.
......
Jeane winked at me. it was the strangest move. A pet, its the way.
Jeane. Im not sure what happiness is, but i look into your eyes and i know it isnt there. we tried and we failed. oh Jeane. I think you know. I think you know the truth, Jeane.

The difference is in the dancing when s.p. morrissey sings the song as opposed to billy bragg. i can get down with that. Thats sometimes the big choice in it all. the dancing.
......

I am so tired of these talks. oh my. so tired.

......

I saw the movie Tokyo!. 

Michel Gondy's contribution, of course, pokes and prods at me. 

I am spelunking in heart caves.