tiny little love.

jeane has a heart murmur. on a scale of 6, jeanes lumps and bumps in her thumps...it equals three.  my sweet tiny dogfaced monkey werewolf friend with a heartmurmur? pheh.

if it were me, ok. shallow heart beat. none at times, really. no really. 

ok thats not true. (zombies, ack!) they say i've got the coldest extremities known to man south of the colorful houses and the bering sea. I am part polar bear, semi glacial, and a nibble of spinach and carrots...sleeps like a sprout in a bunny's home. 

or the sear's tower.  

long distance running

i have a swollen eye lid, a scratch on my face, and a slightly sore stomach.

note: one way to gain ground is to lay flat. resist the lash out. its usually a futile affair.

stomachin chestout. getsetgo.

be brave. brace yourself.

my movie came in the mail today, making it a good day.

I am very excited to watch it again tonight.  

colin smith. colin smith. colin smith. run run run.

photographic evidence.

i am very lucky.

historically, sheep are very weak creatures.

This afternoon, i fell asleep on a gallery couch.

I woke myself up saying "fool" outloud. 

What a sight, Im sure. I don't think anyone heard me. People were in and out but it was quiet and I felt comfortable resting. I felt safe and sound and allowed to take a little nap. curled up in the crease like a bunny and slept for a good little bit. The sun was coming in the funny tiny clusters of windows, only sunlight light. I was counting the beams in the ceiling. It felt alright. 

more than falling into a sleep, the word "fool" exiting my mouth and parting from my lips felt the most comforting. almost exhilarating.  Ive been thinking it for sometime but the release was greater than what i had imagined it to be. fool, spoken in such a calm manner. slipping straight away. fool. there are certain types and this is not the one heather suggests.

fool, not in the good way, but in the way i mean when i shake my head in unmanageable disdain. 

fool, as in one who is without sense or thought, acting in carelessness and abandonment. 

I've held it in for weeks, but finally its out. a ghost whispered it into my ear and i spat it out.

fool. and fogginess lifts away, fool. It makes sense where this sense of uncomfort came to be. It was a feeling I should have gone with weeks ago when I first felt it. Always trust your guts, even if you want to believe the best. never trust a sheep in the clothing of a fox.

in the voice that i have when i've just woken up, slightly crackily and soft, i told my friend about it.

 we both agreed. phew. i sighed in relief. its nice to wake up in a sunny room with all of the clarity you can muster. i feel great again. 

jan family.

you've got everything now.

listening to songs through my bedroom wall. its nice actually. the filter. i can hear her singing along.  she is getting ready for a date. i can tell she is very happy just by the way the house feels. its lighter in here.

she sings like ian curtis sometimes.

I. feeling strange.

A. need to run off.
1. new york. red hook. 6th and barry.
2. Berlin. Mitte. Kastanee Alle, Oranienstrasse. prenzlauerberg.
3. seattle. island. vashon island. island. la push. the rainforest.
4. France. France. Paris. Ile de France. Butte aux Cailles.

B. need to find comfort, a sense of home.

1. california. medacino. arcata. san francisco. felt light.

2. chicago. ukrainian village. feels funny.
3. seattle. capitol hill. felt sad. felt anxious. too much memory.
4. new york. redhood. where jane is. felt free.

i have never finished an outline. i make them in my head, lengthy ones about my life. i could outline a million books in plot, character, motivations, intentions..but when it comes to life i move through , travel on. forward forward.

I have read 16 books so far this year. my goal is 55. a little more than one book a week. i am 

......

got lost last night on my ride home. 
went to a bar. a man asked me how i felt about nick cave and the birthday party was stuck in my head all day. but david bowie was on the system.

......

Someone is lighting firecrackers outside of my home. I could leave here. right now. i could.
......
Jeane winked at me. it was the strangest move. A pet, its the way.
Jeane. Im not sure what happiness is, but i look into your eyes and i know it isnt there. we tried and we failed. oh Jeane. I think you know. I think you know the truth, Jeane.

The difference is in the dancing when s.p. morrissey sings the song as opposed to billy bragg. i can get down with that. Thats sometimes the big choice in it all. the dancing.
......

I am so tired of these talks. oh my. so tired.

......

I saw the movie Tokyo!. 

Michel Gondy's contribution, of course, pokes and prods at me. 

I am spelunking in heart caves.

if the opportunity came to be, I would eat a still warm seals liver.

I have acquired two new how-to books, in addition to my Jacques Cousteau sharks book.. One is a guide to building Mongolian Cloud Yurts and the other is a book of how to build an Igloo or ice home.
(i intend to build both).
just you wait. i have great follow through.

Last week:

in the midst of my fevers, I discovered i have the ability to hum in a way that creates a sound like air over a soda pop bottle. Perhaps it was just a fevered fluke or the result of the water in the bath and the steam in the air or the echo chamber qualities of the facilities...nonetheless...it was magical. I sang to myself for a good long time until the water stopped its boil and my skin filled with the wrinkles of an aged one..the underneath of a chantrelle sponged mushroom. i like that. very much.

Its never a waste of time, you can't look it that way...if you do, what's the point in your breaths anyway.

I have this record of whale songs, it sounded like that. like a whale singing to its friend.


Two days ago:

A dear writerly friend, mother, long haired beauty, confidant to me, and beyond all else a confident devout believer : she explained to me that what I may need in my life is to find my holy fool to match my own foolishness. and we will run off to romp in fjords and live in colorful shapeshifter houses, swim in the ice together and build build build until its all built...
i would like that, however my question to her continues to plague...how much do i NEED really in terms of the human condition. people need the human touch, i read about it. in order to exist people have to touch eachother. but how much do I need in terms of the human condition? There is so much to see and to learn. i am in love with ideas and the sound of things. one bell ringing always, somewhere. I am never bored on my own.

Last night:

Four am, a sharks teeth and Tom Courtenay on a tiny buzzing tv screen. let's borrow from the bakery and run off to skegness. i'll bust you free from ruxton towers. oh colin smith, run run run. I have a hard time keeping my eyes shut. I could watch that movie and draw all night, all day, all morning, all night, all day were there enough hours in a day and if i could keep myself from the urge to explore and run around.




I heard about a Llama farm in Wisconsin. Im going.

Your face I can see and it's desperately kind, but what's at the back of your mind...

in a public forum, pennington, i announce it...i miss you to the pit of my well being. 

i havent seen your curls in so long that i can't even imagine which way they spin. i miss evening time at the biltmore apartments,  loretta ave off of olive, just at the bend in the road. maybe we'll eat crackers and drink tea. i will sit by the window and theres a spot for you. we have alot to talk about. 

i still like the alternate version more than the single. 

a mountain range in the midwest.

i have a fever.

things i want, as opposed to what i need.

. an anatomically correct cupie doll in a jar i saw at the european baby store on michigan ave.
. a crows head hair piece hat that i saw at the antque shop yesterday.
. tiny white sneaks.
. a glass of water.
. more minutes in an hour.
. the sun.
. more saturdays of long dog walks in the afternoon with a sweet friend talking about explorers.
. a cleared off porch.
. jacque cousteau books.
. affirmation.

tiny warrior.

i feel secure knowing you are nearby.

with all of my might.

i will be in my mind place. i will be mighty and brave and puff out my chest when i am feeling small. i don't want to miss out.i will continue to tread lightly and sometimes i will not leave a trace, but i will continue to let my thoughts wander.
i wear myself out in wondering.
i have little will power.
i am stubborn.
i cancel myself out often, again and again.

i will build myself into a ship in a bottle. i will let the sail out to catch the wind. i will sail it out to sea. i will allow myself freedom to float. to trust the buoyant nature of properties regardless if i cannot comprehend its principles.
i am daydreaming about red hook with jane. i imagine we are sailors, small olive oyl followers, sitting on stoops, burning our tongues on teas, burrowing into cable knits, arm in arm walking to the shore, kitchen talking until the morning. i could handle it.

i have sweet thoughts in my head.
my favorite songs are bouncing around in me and i can tell the spring is on its way by the way things have shifted. i really cannot stop thinking about carrot beet ginger juice. i have good ideas. i have projects that i can't wait to leap into.

i embrace clarity. i embrace heartache and break that could come to be. i like the fact that soon my spring limbs will sprout. i like that the ground is a sponge. i have good ideas. and i have high hopes. i have tides and swells and breaks and pools.

i have been sleeping again.
paws tucked like a bunny rabbit under my chin. in the front seat of truck, in the last isle of an airplane, sharing space with a best friend, a tuxedo cat and a great grey tiger with a frenchmans sensibilities.

when you drank that cough syrup, i thought of your brave bones.